Post Partum Post C-Section
Remember how I said my husband had a seasonal buisness? Well, it just happened that my son’s arrival coincided with peak season and in addition to undergoing major surgery and becoming a first-time mother my husband had to go back to work before even leaving the hospital. I would be on my own for the next few weeks struggling with recovery and the anxieties of taking care of this new life, being a parent for the first time and all the new things that no one could have possibly prepared us for. On top of the mental and physical anguish I experienced surrounding my c-section there were a lot of other confounding challenges that ultimately contributed to my development of post partum depression.
During the hospital stay we were informed that my son had a tongue and lip tie but that they weren’t severe and he had no problem latching, despite my bleeding nipples. Breast feeding was excruciating, like putting my nipple into a sandpaper vice and adding suction. I was determined to make it work, so I just did it and worked on my deep breathing. Not only was I suffering immense pain with my surgery recovery, but the breast feeding added another level. Due to the tongue and lip tie my son was struggling and so was I, I thought that this was normal, just something that happens until your nipples toughen up. Enter midwives. Thank God for my midwives, they visited me several times within the first six weeks of my post-partum journey and shared with me so much wisdom that pulled me from the depths of my depression – this is something I would not have gotten in a traditional medical model. They told me that what we were experiencing was not normal and recommended a lactation consultant.
At our first lactation meeting the consultant informed me that my son was under weight and that his tongue and lip tie were responsible for the lack of sleep, lack of nourishment and my painful bleeding nipples. She was honestly the best consultant and it felt like Mary Poppins just flew in on a breeze to come and fix all my problems. She showed me exercises to perform with my son to help his tightness, positioning, better bottles and nipples to help his latch etc. and ultimately strongly suggested I have a release performed. I struggled for an additional two weeks deciding whether to have the release done while practicing the full array of exercises to assist him with feeding… and we carried on.
Another challenge faced within 48 hours of discharge from the hospital was an episode of chest pain which landed me in the emergency room. Thankfully there was no blood clotting, which I learned is a risk factor post c-section, but there was some fluid retention, and my liver enzymes were drastically elevated. I had to stop the Tylenol and aspirin completely 5 days post op to stabilize my liver. The pain was intense; I was not coping well. The weeks passed by, filled with pain, mastitis, anxiety and severe lack of sleep, I started to slip into Post Partum Depression.
Having post partum depression for me was like a never ending spiral of guilt, well meaning onlookers commented, “but look how beautiful the life you brought into the world is, how could you be sad?” I get this point of view for someone who never felt post partum depression, and it was genuinely meant to be helpful but just sent me on a deeper spiral of questioning, “what is wrong with me?” There was nothing wrong with me, and nothing wrong with anyone experiencing PPD, we can love our babies and be so happy for the fact they’re here and still be in a poor state of mental health, those two things can exist at the same time. Thanks to my midwives I was connected to a fantastic post partum therapist and we worked through A LOT including identifying that lack of sleep and physical support were the driving factors behind my PPD. Now the main objective was to have my sons release done so that he could fill his belly properly, stop dealing with formula induced GI issues and we could all sleep.
Eventually, the release was performed, and I remember thinking I was the worst mother in the world. Post release, my son fed at the breast and then slept for 18 hours straight. I sobbed at his side thinking of the horror I inflicted on him. When he woke up, he fed like a champ, my breasts felt empty… no more pain for mama, and no more exhaustive feeding for baby. He fell asleep satisfied and momma finally got some sleep too. Now, nearly four years later, I look back on a successful breastfeeding journey, I am so thankful for the persistence of myself and my son and our lactation consultant. Breastfeeding almost broke us but instead bonded us forever. I’d offer encouragement to any mother struggling with breastfeeding to seek out a lactation consultant, it truly changed my life and trajectory of mental health.
One of the things I learned through this process is the power of our expectations. I truly believe that a major part of my struggle during recovery was this feeling that I had missed out on the transformational moment of birth by way of having a c-section and not a vaginal birth. Retrospectively, my experience was transformational and taught me to let go of control. I had to learn to stop thinking that I know best and lean into Gods plan for my best (not always the same thing). Initially letting go of control felt, well, out of control. Eventually, I landed on a feeling of peace and a lightness in knowing I didn’t have to have it all figured out, that isn’t my role, its Gods. My role is to simply trust that everything that is happening is aligned with my best and highest good...what a full breath and release. Through this process I also learned that I can do hard things, the human body is an amazing healer and that our expectations may be just what is holding us back from experiencing healing and joy. Motherhood doesn’t have to unfold any specific way to be wonderful, transformative and fulfilling.
RESOURCES:
Lactation Consultant: https://ilca.org/why-ibclc-falc/
My Lactation Consultant: Carmen Baker-Clark https://www.breastfeedingmomma.com/ @carmenbakeribclc
My Postpartum Therapist: Susan Esserman https://susanesserman.com/ @susanesserman_msw_lcsw
My Midwifery Team: https://www.njhomebirth.com/about
-